Monday, October 25, 2010

Dear Neighbor Above Me

Dear Neighbor above me,

I have already had this problem with neighbor to the left of me and you and I are about to have a whole different problem all together.

I don't know what kind of pet you have in your room. However I suspect it is a baby elephant.

Either that or you really should stop drinking.

Because you are either throwing things against the floor or falling over said items and it is your body that is making the sounds from above me.

Now I will come up there and tranquilize your baby elephant if you'd like. Or perhaps I can tranquilize you. Or maybe I should just show you a proper weight loss system so that your gargantuan size can no longer shock me out of my doze when it hits the floor.

How is it, as well, that you know I am falling asleep when you throw yourself on the floor in another one of your infamous trantrums?

Are you watching me?

Are there cameras in my room, upstairs neighbor?

Do you wait until I look like I'm about to fall asleep, then suddenly throw your television on the floor?

If this continues I will have to take extreme measures, like one day you may return to feed you baby elephant and you will find it has been sold to the circus.

Or maybe I'll just take everything out of your room, thus solving the problem of you throwing things on the floor.

Or maybe you'll walk in your door one day after fumbling with your keys for a while and you'll find me in a state of sleep deprivation and mild insanity as I slap the shining ivory tusk of your baby elephant in my hand, preparing to beat you with it until you understand that YOU SHOULDN'T STOMP WHEN YOU LIVE ABOVE SOMEONE!

Hopefully one of the following actions will teach you not to make so much noise:

1. I will bang incessantly on the ceiling with my Swiffer handle until you cease your sounds.

2. I will bang on your door at odd hours of the night.

3. I will begin to scream out my window when I know your window is open, so that you know how upsetting your baby elephant is.

Thank you,

Morgan

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